Crickets Are Not Kosher

Ahhh, meatloaf. Most people either love it or they hate it. I happen to be a huge fan of it when it is done right…my mama’s included.

Meatloaf was the very second thing I learned to cook, (the first being homemade egg noodles that I was too young to recall helping with) having been taught by a family friend who was babysitting me one afternoon after kindergarten. Somehow, the basic recipe has stuck with me all these many years and it’s one I use time & again. Oh I have made variations on the basics when I make it, but certain things remain constant in the recipe.

Always Standard (although I usually use 2 lbs of lean ground beef, the turkey sausage is a wild card)

4-5 small red potatoes, sliced thinly

1 lb of lean ground beef

1 lb of turkey breakfast sausage 

1 large egg

1/3 of a cup of rolled oats (I never measure, I just use handfuls…but each of my handfuls is about 1/4 of a cup and I use a little more than that.)

really generous splash of worcestershire sauce

good shake of garlic powder

The Wild Cards

Omaha Steaks Steak Seasoning, a good shake or two (here is where you can use whatever spices you wish…I usually tailor my spices to what I am using to sauce the meatloaf.)

1/2 a bottle of Heinz 57 Sauce (I have used pasta sauce, BBQ sauce, Ketchup…really any sauce you want can work. I did 57 because it works so well with beef and poultry alike)

Finely chopped onion and mushrooms, sauteed in a little butter or olive oil can also go in the mix. I have done this on occasion too. Make sure you really cook the mushrooms down though so they don’t leach out too much and make the meatloaf too watery.

The Low Down

Layer the thinly sliced potatoes in the bottom of an oiled baking dish.

Mix together the meats, egg, oats, spices, worcestershire, etc….everything but the sauce to go on top. Mix it well…really get in there with your clean, ring free hands and squoosh it up good. Don’t be a namby…sac up and get to playing with that meat! You know you want to…

Next, spread the meat mixture evenly on top of the taters, making sure it reaches to the edges. With your finger, poke several holes in the meat spread, this will help with the sauce enflavorment (yes…yes I am saying that. eff you!)

Top with the 57 sauce or sauce of your choice and shove in a 350 degree oven for about 1 hour.

Serve to your starving family with a lovely green salad on the side & the hope that there will be leftovers. (In my house? Usually not.)

The taters will soak up all those lovely meat juices and be so tender and delicious. Trust me. Are you drooling yet?

So…last night around 8:30 I got a wild hair up my ass to make a cake with some whole milk ricotta we had in the fridge. I managed to find this recipe that killed two birds with one stone as I also had some fresh blueberries that needed using.

I won’t repeat the ingredients here since this is not my recipe and I am incredibly lazy. However, I will post the making of the deliciousness.

Look at that. Bottom layer topped with fresh, plump blueberries. Blueberry placement is crucial…CRUCIAL I SAY! *coughcoughahemcough* Carrying on…

Boring old ricotta cheesecake mixture spread on top of the blueberries…if you look closely you can spy a blueberry or two winking at you.

The finished product, cooling on a wire rack. In my rush to feed everyone I forgot to take a photo of a cut slice…trust me, it was delicious. *burp*

Yes. It’s a mix of two romance languages…don’t like it? Suck it :D

So, I had the meat, I had the veg…I decided to see if it would work.

The Usual Suspects

2 tbl of extra virgin olive oil

1 large shallot, minced

1 small eggplant, peeled and cubed

2 small yellow crookneck squash, cubed

2 fresh, medium sized tomatoes, cubed

1 lb of tenderloin steak tips, raw

1-15 oz can of tomato sauce

2 good drizzles of aged balsamic vinegar

2 dried bay leaves, dried thyme, garlic powder

The M.O.

Drizzle olive oil in a good sized stock pot and saute shallot until golden.

Add raw steak tips and 1 drizzle of balsamic. Cook until meat begins to brown.

Add cubed eggplant to the pot and the 2nd drizzle of balsamic.

Stir well, cover and let steam/saute for 10 min. Add the tomatoes, squash, tomato sauce, bay leaves, thyme and garlic powder.

Stir well and let simmer on medium low for 30 minutes. Serve with slices of warm, buttered bread…preferably a hearty one like a 9 grain or barley.

This turned out even better than I could have imagined. The meat was so tender and the flavors were amazing. Will make this again.

Part 2 in the Zombie Apocalypse Chow series.

Imagine if you will, you are wandering the desolate post-apocalyptic landscape, trusty shotgun at your side and hungry family straggling along behind. What to do, what to do…then you spy an abandoned minimart. Huzzah! Oh…but it’s been ravenously picked over. *heavy sigh* Wait, what’s this? Suddenly you unearth some beat up canned goods that might just stretch that wild game and veggies you managed to scavenge earlier. Hot damn! Soup’s on!

Ingredients

2-3 skinned & cleaned varmints (whatever you managed to scrounge, I am not going to judge you…personally, I used 4 quarter pound all beef hot dogs, but then I had them on hand and you, out there in the wastelands sans refrigeration, most likely do not)

2 cans of pork & beans or bbq beans (I used some leftover Zarda BBQ beans and a can of pork & beans, but you cannot afford to be choosy)

1 can of manwich sauce (you know there will be plenty of this shizz floating around during the dark days)

2 ears of fresh corn, gently roasted over the open fire (I am going to assume when you scoped out this minimart and found it safe of the living dead you decided to camp for a spell, so a fire would be in order.)

2 manwich cans of purified water (always purify! we do not want George Romero’s Revenge do we?)

Cookery

If you managed to find some oil in the remains of the grocery stock, drizzle a little in a heated pan, hub cap, bucket, etc (otherwise you can rely on the fat from the varmint to help with the process) and saute until browned.

Add beans, manwich and water…stir well.

Add fresh roasted corn, after removing from the cob with your pocket knife. (Yes, I know it’s not easy, who said the dark times would be unicorns, puppies and roses? Sac up and do it!)

Stir everything together well and let simmer for about 30 min. If you happened to find a box of instant rice on those dusty shelves, add a a small handful or two to it before the simmer.

Dig in and watch your backs. This has not been tested but might have a fragrance that is redolent of tasty, living brains…

Yes. The name is cheesy. However, these are strawberries and they are delightful. So suck it. No, really.

Things

1 lb of fresh strawberries

3 tbl of sugar

1-2 tbl of balsamic vinegar

Stuff

Clean and quarter strawberries, tossing into a decent sized glass bowl.

Add sugar and balsamic vinegar, mixing well.

Allow to sit, at room temperature, for 30-45 min. This will allow the sugar & vinegar to mix with the natural juices of the strawberries and make a most excellent sauce.

Serve over shortcakes with fresh whipped cream or simply on their own.

(Okay so this really doesn’t qualify as a recipe, but screw it. The strawberries looked so amazing that I had to snap pics.)

AKA, Green Beans & New Potatoes with Tomatoes

12 new potatoes, quartered

1/2 to 1 pound of fresh green beans (ends snapped off and any long beans snapped in halves or thirds to make shorter)

1/2 a pint of grape tomatoes, halved

1/2 to 1 tbl of sea salt

1/2 tbl agave syrup (or use the sweetener of your choice here…don’t skip it though because it is important)

2 small bay leaves (or the herbs of your choice)

2 cloves of garlic, minced

2 tbl of unsalted butter (olive oil may be used if you wish)

enough water to cover the vegetables

How to do it

Dump your quartered potatoes into a reasonably sized stock pot and cover with water. Add in the herbs, salt and sweetener, giving a good stir.

Bring to a boil and cook until the potatoes are almost done (usually about 20-30 min). Add the beans and let boil for an additional 7 minutes or until the beans are well done but still bright green.

Drain, removing bay leaves and then return to hot pot.

Toss with garlic, tomatoes and butter until well coated, adding a dash of salt & freshly cracked pepper if you wish.

Yes. Some of the taters might break up and mash a bit. This is no problem…just eat it and STFU.

These are nice served alongside some ham slices that have been briefly marinated in a mix of balsamic vinegar and agave syrup then pan sauteed.

Or, A Moroccan-inspired Veggie Stew

Things To Pottify

1 small yellow onion, diced

1 large glove of garlic, minced

2 small (and I do mean SMALL, we are talking almost pear-sized here) butternut squash, peeled, seeded and chunked

1 small yam/sweet potato, peeled and chunked

3 small to med. small zucchini, chunked

1 can of rotel tomatoes with green chilies, drained (choose your own level of hotness, I went with mild)

3 roma tomatoes, chunked

1/4-1/3 cup of raisins

1 - 15 ounce can of garbanzo beans, undrained

cinnamon, paprika, coriander, chili powder (cumin would work well here in place of the chili powder and coriander, but sometimes you are full of fail like me and have none)

good splash of 90 proof coconut rum for deglazing

2 cups of low sodium veggie broth

splash of lemon juice

2 tbl extra virgin olive oil

1 tbl agave syrup (to bring out the tomato flavor and also help cut the acid a bit)

splash of balsamic vinegar

sea salt, to taste

How To Create

Saute onion and garlic in olive oil until soft, about 5-8 min. Add yam, butternut squash and all the spices, give a good stir and saute for another 10 min.

Afterwards use the rum to deglaze the pan, allowing this to cook for at least another 5-10 min to burn off the alcohol. Add everything else but the vinegar and salt (zukes, garbanzos, both fresh & tinned tomatoes, raisins, lemon juice, agave and broth) stir well and cover. Should look something like this prior to covering:

Allow to simmer on med to med. low for 30 min. Remove lid and allow to simmer for another 30 min. Give a good stir. Mix up 1/2 cup of water with 2 heaping tbls of whole wheat flour. Add to pot and stir well to thicken. Remove from heat and let sit for 10 mins before adding salt and splash of balsamic. Dig in and have a foodgasm:

Yes. I was trying to be cute when I made the title. Bite me. So anyway, here is my version of that french classic, Ratatouille.

Things To Shove in a Large Pot

1 medium onion, diced

3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 small eggplant, peeled & cubed

8 oz. baby portabella mushrooms, cut in quarters

2 small zucchini, cubed

1 bunch of baby spinach, long stems cut off

2 - 15 oz cans of tomato sauce

1/2 to 1 tbl herbes de provence (I was out and so this time used rosemary, parsley, thyme, bay leaf and basil)

2 tbl olive oil

2 tbl aged balsamic vinegar

splash of worcestershire sauce

1 can of low fat chicken broth

What To Do

Sweat the onion & garlic in the olive oil until soft and starting to caramelize. Not too brown, mind you, but just starting to get there…like this:

Once you have achieved this, turf in the eggplant cubes, stirring well, and allow to steam/sautee for about 5 min before adding the mushrooms and balsamic vinegar. Stir well, cover and let cook for another 5 min. or until you achieve this (steam and all!):

Finally, add the cubed zukes, tomato sauce and spices, stir well and cover. It should look something like this before you cover it:

Meanwhile, have a lovely boule of barley bread dough (totally from a box) rising in the oven while the stew simmers:

Simmer for 1 hour on low until bread has had time to rise, bake and cool, stirring often (30 min into this simmer, add the splash of worcestershire sauce & chicken broth, stirring well. Also up the temp to medium). Right before serving, add baby spinach, give it a good stir and cover for 5 min. or until spinach wilts.

Serve bowls of warm ratatouille with fresh buttered slices of barley bread and devour with gusto.

So this weekend I decided to see how this grain mix worked with a jar of pasta sauce as a quick, fiber and protein-filled food source. For a zombie apocalypse. For SCIENCE!

Okay, I will freely admit that a large part of this was concocted from a completely lazy and sloth-filled soul that looked upon this as boiling, dumping and stirring for lunch. And I also wanted to see if I could make this really awesome grain mix taste like spaghettio’s. I am not proud. At any rate, here is the ‘recipe’ dubious as it is.

SpaghettiGrains

1 cup of Earthly Choice Heritage Grain mix (this can easily be stored and carried in your Bug-Out Food Backpack)

3 cups of water (make sure you use those water purification tablets you hoarded before the dark times descended)

1 vegetable bouillon cube (also easily stored in above mentioned backpack)

1 jar of pasta sauce of your choice (I used a Ragu 6-cheese variety, which made it very spaghettio’s tasting, but normally I have Newman’s Own, Bertolli or Barilla brands on hand. This is the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE though, so use wtf ever you can find! Also, it would not be advisable - for obvious reasons - to carry this in your backpack. I am going to assume you are travelling the land and using what jarred or canned goods you can procure…this is what I would do.)

What to do after you have found a suitable pot, built a fire and purified your water

Bring the water (again, PURIFIED! no one wants to dodge zombies with a serious case of hershey squirts…just sayin’) and grains to a boil, then lower heat (or move the pan to a less fiery part of the fire pit..whatever works, this is not my area of expertise…yet.) and simmer for 20 min or until the grains have soaked up the water and are soft (because you forgot to pack a watch for the impending apocalypse, didn’t you?). Add to the cooked grains, the entire contents of the jar of whatever sauce you managed to find, (checking first that it hasn’t been opened previously by an enterprising member of the walking dead, only to be discarded as decidedly un-brainly and now left to mold) and stir well. Let sit for about 5-10 minutes (assuming you are not under attack) before dishing out and serving. 

This makes quite a lot of food output for such a small investment and is chock full of protein and fiber…all the things necessary to remain in prime fighting or fleeing condition, and - as was pointed out by an early reader - very regular (because who wants to run from hungry hordes of flesh eating zombies when you desperately need to pop a growler but cannot). If you have managed to grab some non-poisonous wild greens prior, those would work well tossed in here too and will bring some much needed vitamins.

I am quite sure the Post Zombie Apocalypse version won’t look nearly as delightful, but this is something to aspire to during those dark times.

After a hideous day of joint issues that kept me cat napping on the sofa, I am wide awake right now at 1:30 in the morning…and making zucchini pickles. I know…where is the logic? None, other than this zucchini really needed to be used and I had a wild hair up my anus. Or something.

So. Pickles. How did I arrive there? I really have no idea other than I walked by the zucchini that has been sitting, forlornly, on the kitchen island since Tuesday and my brain shouted ‘I know! PICKLES!’. My brain is known for it’s ridiculous ideas, and I usually follow them. After perusing some recipes online I found this one and adapted it to my cupboard/level of laziness.

Not having a mandoline slicer anymore (I probably needed more practice with it, but when I did have one, every time I used it I feared I would shave my knuckles off), I simply sliced the zucchini and half of a red onion as thin as I could with my santoku. I then layered the slices in a non-shallow dish, did not salt them and commenced to making my brine. See how well I follow directions? And by this I mean not well at all. I always do this when I have a recipe in front of me…even my own!

Ahhh yes, the brine. A sweet vinegary solution that made my eyes sting while it was simmering and cooling. The whole house reeked of vinegar and I am shocked it didn’t wake Spouse and the Rabid Hyena Pair. I had neither turmeric or mustard seed, so subbed some rustic tuscan spice blend instead. After all, it’s zucchini we are talking about here, and zucchini won’t mind. Zucchini never minds and is, IMO, one of the least bitchy vegetables to work with. Raw, steamed, fried, baked, pickled. It’s all good. So laid back and chill is the zucchini, it’s the Dalai Lama of the vegetable world. But I digress. Brine. Here it is. If this were a scratch & sniff blog, your eyes and nostrils would be singing an aria of pain right now.

While the brine was cooling, I decided to just layer the zucchini and onion in the ball jars to pour the cooled brine into directly, thus saving a step. I may have also decided to thinly slice a clove of garlic per jar and layer it in there too.

After getting one and most of a second jar filled with brine, I realized my dilemma…I was out of brine. No worries! I shall make more! And make more I did, after cursing the high shelf that housed the bulk of the house’s sugar. 

Now I just have to let these marinate in the fridge for 24 hours and we shall see how tasty they are. The brine is fantastic, btw.